PoliNikki's Xanga

Randomness of the last few days

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 18:13:55 GMT

Well, yesterday Meg, Jamea, Sara and I went to Fridays for Jamea's birthday. Which could have totally had the potential to be awesome...for the simple fact that there was this absolutly gorgeous and a half waiter. Well of course, rather than getting that one, we get the one that looks like a hobbit. But there are tons of pics up on my facebook if anyone wants to see them.

We also went shopping, and rather than being a good child and not spending any of the money that I dont have...I bought another pair of shoes and two pairs of sunglasses..but thats ok.

We have all decided that we definatly need to hang out again, the next adventure being a day trip to the mall where I am sure tons and tons of money will be spent that shouldnt be, but thats okay, we're girlies and its all in fun anyway.

On the other hand of the stupid day, I woke up with a fever and I was pissed. So much for getting to school early to work out in my new purple gym shoes...damnit. I decided it was better that I get some sleep and rest today instead of going to classes, so I wound up missing a quiz in one of my classes...only to find out that everyone got full credit for it anyways...so thats a happy thing.

I spose that on the plus side, being at home and resting will give me time to catch up on some of the reading that I need to get done and everything. Especially because I have some stupid thing to post for my ecology class.

Another test

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 06:11:04 GMT

So, what do you do when you know things that you arent really sure you want to know, when you have so much on your mind that theres to much to sort out event if you tried, and you honestly dont know if you want to try or not. What do you do when things that have been supressed for quite awhile keep coming up more and more and more?

Well, you sit and you deal with it, or else it keeps coming back, over and over and over and it gets a little bit worse everytime it does. Except sometimes there are some things that you really cant deal with because you dont know how. It just such a mass of incredible mess that there doesnt seem to be any kind of verifiable beginning or end, it all just meshes together.

It was a point I have been at for quite some time, one that I really didnt know how to deal with, and if I wanted to deal with it at all. But then I learned that everything in life is something worth dealing with for the simple fact that it happens. Things that are ignored dont just go away, and you cant pretend something didnt happen when it did, because its all helped to form you into the person you are today.

It was at this point that I realized that there are just some things that I dont know how to deal with, because its simply something that is out of my control, and possible something that is just simply not meant for me to deal with. In instances like these, I feel it best to give my concerns to God and let him lead me in the best direction. He knows better than I possibly ever could what the best course of action is and how things should work out. All of this is just part of the plan that He has set out for me, and while I may not understand the longterm reasons for this, I do know that it helps to restore and re-establish my faith in Him and His ways.

Its just another part of my cross, one that we all have to bear.

To New Beginnings

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 07:09:05 GMT

I realized that I have been through a lot in 2005. Ive been hurt by people, and Ive probably done my fair share of hurting or disappointing others.

So, its a new year, a time for a new beginning. I want to let all those who I may have had problems with, or anger towards, you are all forgiven, and I am letting things go.

For those of you that I have caused pain to or disappointed at some point, I hope you can do the same.

I realized that I have grown a lot in the past year and things have changed, which is entirely inevitable. I hope that this new year brings with it even more opportunities for me to not only grow as a person within society but also opportunities for me to be a better friend, sister, daughter, etc.

I hope that this new year finds everyone well, and I hope that I am able to get as much out of it as possible. I would like to acheive success in my current goals, and i wouldnt mind if love decided to find me at some point this year, but I'm waiting for the right time for that.

I know more about myself now, and what I need and want out of life, out of myself and out of others, and I intend to bring that information into this new year, making my best effort to make it the best year yet.

Cheers.

I totally have the best job in the world.....

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 19:45:35 GMT

So, I totally love my job, but everyone already knows this. Ive got a basketball tournament that I have to work, and guess what, thats exactly what im doing. I get to get paid to sit on my ass, write on my myspace, facebook, and a whole slew of other things, and play a few friendly games of raquetball. Yay-ness.

Lets see...here else is why my job is great. I work with football..which is a wonderful thing in and of itself. On top of that, I get to travel with them when they go and play games...which is fun..because here again... Im getting paid to sit in the hot tub of a decent hotel.

So, I find out the other day that it is a possibility that we are going to California. So yeah...roundtrip airfare and hotel paid for...not to mention getting paid to sit on my ass in Cali...AND watch a football game on top of it all.

What more could a girl ask for???

Things Ive learned About Myself--Part 1

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 06:25:37 GMT

1. I feel that I have more goals that most people my age
2 I’m scared to death of failure
3 I am overly competitive
4 I set my expectations of myself and others to high
5 I have morals, and will stick by them
6 I am comfortable with myself as a person
7 I want kids, but am scared to death that I wont be a good mom
8 My first allocation of money, when I get it, will be to provide for my siblings and parents
9 I may appear very confident, but have insecurities just like everyone else
10 I wont ever trust anyone fully, and ive finally realized that its ok not to
11 I know that I can be myself and eventually meet someone who will love me for it
12 I know that I can be successful without having to be dating someone or being married
13 I know that I don’t have to be married in my early 20s in order to feel complete
14 I fish for compliments a lot, but don’t accept them well
15 I doubt the sincerity of some people
16 I feel comfortable in my expressions of faith without being inimdated by anyone else and without expecting anyone else to share my beliefs
17 I know that I do not have to be subservient to men in order to gain love or attention

How Many Times?

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 07:57:29 GMT

So...how many times is enough...how many times before someone really learns that the same thing always happens. How many times do I have to put myself out there, and make myself vulnerable before I realize its just going to get shoved back in my face? Apparently a few more, because for some reason I never learn. For some reason I still have this insanely stupid idea in my head that one of these times it'll actually be worth it. One of these stupid fucking times I'll actually get something in return. But every time, its the same exact situation. I don't know, maybe I ask too much, even thought I never really thought so. Maybe I expect too much, although I never thought just wanting to be with someone who cared about me just because I was me was asking too much. Who knows. I'd like to say that this isnt going to be something I do again, that I'm gunna be smart from now on and not constantly put myself in a position to get hurt. But I know thats not true. I've said that before, and yet I still put myself out there, and make myself incredibly vulnerable. I just hope one of these days that its actually going to be worth it.

Road to Self Discovery

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 05:12:20 GMT

Theres been a bit to think about these past few days. I've been talking with some people and just doing some general reflection on my passed mistakes and everything else. And Ive come to a few conclusions.

Main one being that Im really sick of trying to conform to what everyone thinks a typical 20 year old should be. It seems to be some kind of requirement that people of college age need to go out and party and this and that and just sleep with random people and whatnot else, and while some of those things are okay every now and then, its just not me. I mean parties.. thats all well and good... sometimes. Its really not necessary to do every weekend.

Basically--news flash--- im not typical

Ive been through it all and then some and ive finally gotten to a point in my life where i want to stop making the same mistakes over and over again...actually learn from them this time. I now know what I want in a relationship, and that sure as hell doesnt mean random cute guy who has no real life goals, but could be fun for a night or two.

I want someone I can talk to, who I can relate to, who will be there to support me...etc etc etc....

And I know what i want out of life, and I know how Im going to get it. And thats my goal for my next 20 years. Call it a birthday-ish epiphany I spose.

Yay for Cooking!

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 01:53:05 GMT

Well, I love Thanksgiving, and not its not because of the food...well it is.. but not the eating part. I love to cook, so pretty much any holiday here is always exciting. So, on the menu from today...considering I started cooking last night, its a bit extensive..

-Turkey (obviously)- stuffed with homemade mushroom stuffing

-Gravy -made obviously from said turkey

-Sweet Potatoes-which I cant stand...but are necessary

- Sweet Corn

-Mashed Potatoes

-Green Beans (Southern Style :) )-which means cooked in chicken broth with bacon pieces

- Rolls -DUH

- and 3 homemade pies- pumpkin, sweet potato and pecan

-also did a veggie tray because I love making them

- and a cheese ball ( ew)

-and made a pretty centerpiece with leaves and flowers and candles

Sometimes--- I really think I shouldnt worry so much about making dinner... but I cant help it, I love it.

Finally...a moment of liberation

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 02:15:15 GMT

Well... last night was one that held its own fair share of surprises. So im online and all of a sudden someone IMs me that I dont recognise. Anyway, it turns out to be Shane, and he wants to talk...so i figure ok fine. Well hes all like I would like to get together sometime and talk about some things and this and that and I didnt want to sit there and beat around the bush any longer. And frankly, I had questions that I wanted answered. So we talked. And i made it more than perfectly clear, thanks to my bluntness, that i really had no problem with getting together and hanging out.. i mean one can never have too many friends...but..I do not want to get back together with him...this hanging out will not lead to that, and my mind will not be changing. And honestly..I felt so much better after telling him that.. like this gigantic weight had been lifted.

And I know after all of this that now, I am in fact ready to move on... its a chapter of my life that I finally have closure of. Now its time to start a new one, and I can honestly say that this is the happiest Ive been in a really long time.

Seasons of....War??

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 04:27:26 GMT

One of these days, at least one thats going to be coming up soon Im going to type out some of my thoughts on our current political situation as well as the situation in Iraq. But for right now, ...

I found out today that yet another guy I knew in highschool was injured over in the Hell that we have created. Shot twice in in biceps, other than that I know nothing.

I have a lot of questions that I will be addressing as far as this issue is concerned.

For now...

-What is the cost of freedom?

-When is it time to say enough is enough?

-It has now come to a point where we, as Americans, well the...quasi-presidency that had been put in place by us....has taken more American lives than the attacks on 9/11...so who are the real terrorists?

-When a citizen has done his or her duty to their country and is sent home with the promise of staying home...and then sent for yet another tour in Iraq...how many times can this be fair? Just one last time? Just to see if they live?

- What is the value of human life?

-Would Bush continue this pathetic attempt on global democracy if his own daughters were part of the armed forces? Or would they be safe at home with desk jobs?

-How many gallons of American blood equals "Americanized" Iraqi Freedom?